Starting again

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My first phone call of the morning was the hospital to move my surgery forward again – to tomorrow morning rather than tomorrow afternoon. So no lie in and gentle getting ready for mid day.

I washed my hair today because I won’t have time now tomorrow and I’ve started putting things together for my bag. I’m spending the day walking around in circles trying to think of what I am supposed to take with me – ipad and charger, phone and charger, nightie and dressing gown, woolly slipper socks, flannels, wash wipes, toothpaste and brush … knitting and embroidery – the books are on the ipad. …..

I have sorted the emails and tasks for the students and passed them on. …

I’ve wasted loads of time on Facebook and games while I try and think – or forget – I’m not sure which.

I feel a bit sick actually. I’ve eaten bread, cheese and fruit thinking that I might be hungry, and won’t be eating tomorrow, and now wish I hadn’t.

I’m finding it difficult to concentrate and wishing I had someone to talk to, but I don’t know what I would say.

I thought I would put a film on, or read some of my book, or knit … but I can’t decide and keep jumping up to do something else anyway.

Was it worse to worry last time because I only knew a bit about it and nothing about how it would feel – fear of the unknown …

or worse this time because I do know what to expect and that I have to start all over again.

I feel so tired – yet there is no reason for it. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up again in another 12 weeks time.

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