Back to the beginning

Standard

I’ve been to the hospital for pre op bloods today. The phlebotomist recognised me and also remembered last time I was in – the blood dripping everywhere being the first thing he mentioned!

I’ve spent the last 12 weeks thinking about my progress and suddenly we’re nearly there – starting all over again.

I keep thinking of the positive things – one more step along the way; another step closer to having my knee done, which has always been my biggest problem; 12 weeks time I’ll be back where I am now; I’ve done it all before so I know what to expect this time …..

That’s the problem really – I do know what to expect this time – and I know it’s going to hurt. I’ve just got back to being mobile and ibuprofen twice a day. What I remember last time is pain – if childbirth is a 10 then this is an 8-9 – not something to be looking forward to; being sick with morphine and not being allowed anything more than paracetamol and ibuprofen; the surgical stockings; the catheter; the bruising, swelling and rash from the surgical dressings; the exercises; trying and failing to sleep on my back; the crutches and not being able to do anything for myself; the weeping wound; being away from my home and family … 

… and the nurses on my second night. I know I was upset at the time and then decided that I was remembering something worse than it was but I am remembering again now, and it is preying on me. What if I have them on night shift again? Being ignored for hours while I couldn’t get out of bed or move – because they were too busy and ‘would get to me’. Not having any way to adjust my bed or position because the control was well out of my reach. Having no pain relief then being told when I was finally crying with pain that she couldn’t understand me  (from the door – she didn’t even come to my bed. And comfort? – not a chance!) and the doctor had gone to bed now anyway. I wonder just how much they knew about me since the next morning she asked if I was one of her gynae patients, pulled out my catheter without checking whether I had yet been up, and told me what a hard night they had had. I felt like saying – try having your bones assaulted with drills, hammers and saws for 3 hours and then decide how hard your night is! But of course I didn’t. I do dread having those two around for my second night this time around.

I am trying to be positive, and mostly I am, but it’s 4 days away and if I’m honest, I’m feeling pretty twitchy and scared again now. 😦

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