A sleepless night

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It’s currently just after 5am and I’ve been awake since 2:45.

I gave up trying to sleep about 40 minutes ago and am downstairs to try to put some of my busy thoughts somewhere other than my head.  insomnia

Worries always get bigger when you give them attention, and there is no better time than the early hours of the morning when there are no other distractions to give them all the fuel they need to grow out of all proportion.

Lying in bed I even got to the point of thinking about what was going to happen to my family if I didn’t wake up from the anaesthetic – I’m definitely most afraid of the anaesthetic! It feels as though I am on a time line with a big black wall separating Now and After. I’m even buying food and stocking cupboards as though I’m never coming back.

That was when I decided it was time to do something else! Of course what I chose to do was look at all the legal stuff that still needed attention – wills, letters of wishes, trusts and solicitor letters etc. but at least it was taking action. These are certainly all control issues 😦

Lying in bed is getting more uncomfortable too. I have back ache when I lie on my back – goodness knows how I’m ever going to get used to sleeping on my back post op. I can’t lie for long on my right hip and now I can’t lie for long on my left either. I wake with stiffness and pain in my knee, or I just toss and turn all night trying to find a position where it doesn’t feel as though something is biting me. I’m imagining my hip joints gradually crumbling away as I lie on them.

It’s not great down here either, but at least I’m occupied. But now I’m in the position of will I wake my husband if I go back to bed? If I go back to sleep now will I feel worse? What if I don’t go to sleep still? What if the cat, who has gone out to play early because I’m up, comes home and I’m not here to let her in? How am I going to get through today on so little sleep?!!! I’m also cold down here …….. [whinge!]

I got the list of things I can’t do from occupational health last week. I certainly won’t be sitting here in the middle of the night with my legs crossed and my mac on my lap in a couple of weeks time. … although I can’t cross my legs so well either now I’ve found anyway. Next week I’m booked into the physio joint school to find out what it will be like post op and learn how to do things like get into bed!

So – ibuprofen and back to bed – while I can still do it on my own?

Or hot chocolate and settle with a shawl and resign myself to a book instead?                                                  sleeping

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