I am a people pleaser. I don’t like confrontation and want to help as much as possible. I would like my epitaph to be – she did her best to help and tried to always see the best in everyone. I would like to be that good, though I know I’m not always and I catch myself not being the kind and generous person I want to be and try to change.
I see the anger that others feel about the pharmaceutical companies and solicitors and legal decisions. I am upset and disappointed that things have not turned out the way I hoped, and a bit resentful that my life has changed so much from what I feel at my age it should be – and that others feel they have to look after me. I grieve for the loss of the life I feel I could have had, but I don’t have that anger. I remember feeling anger a long time ago and making myself move away from that as it felt frightening and out of control – and I need control.
But now I have burned out. It took others to recognise it but mostly myself to admit to it. I always feel I have no right and there is always a bit more I could take on, and guilty that I might be putting on to others. But I wanted – needed – to run away. I couldn’t face emails or anything from work. I couldn’t answer the telephone or open letters. I couldn’t respond to emails and eventually each day only the absolute necessities got done.
It is still a bit like that but I think the Sertraline has reduced the anxiety a bit. I still feel it and it gets to me, but it could be much worse. I can feel a bit more rational and make some basic decisions. I still feel the opportunity to buy our own house with parents – the type of house I never thought we could own, is a bit unreal. I can see my husband and son and parents in law there, but still not me. I feel I am dying and may never get there. I’m not scared as such but feel very sad that the promise of a home of my own or the surgery that might finally help me will come along. It all feels a long way away from me and while there is more manageable anxiety the dark thoughts still plague me – more so when my husband is feeling more psychologically able and productive and things are happening around me but not to me.
I read a blog this morning https://www.thecounsellorscafe.co.uk/single-post/2018/07/03/Is-your-childhood-the-cause-of-your-Burnout which says:
“People pleasers often come for therapy with burnout symptoms. An exploration of the early childhood of these clients can often find that they; grew up adopting the ‘peacemaker’ role within a turbulent household; grew up with strict parents with rules and regulations they had to follow regardless of their true feelings or beliefs; grew up with a parent with a mental health issue which meant they had to be ‘good’ and not create any trouble or added pressure for that parent, putting their own needs aside; or grew up with a sibling with a physical or developmental difficulty such as Asperger’s whose need for parental support was greater than the sibling without difficulties, hence the ‘well’ child grew up compliant recognising their needs were less important.
All these scenarios can contribute to a person’s inability to emotionally regulate themselves and a failure to attend to or even notice their own physical symptoms of burnout. The background and old dynamic of people whose needs were put aside can often repeat itself in the workplace as they put the emotions or needs of others before their own and fast-track themselves down the burnout road.”
This pretty much sums up my childhood and still I have those feelings of being less important, more able to manage alone and not being good enough. Even over the past few weeks while my husband has struggled too, I made him tell the GP at my appointment how he was feeling, and he dropped into a hole. Since then everyone has worried about him. My mum has just stayed here and at least twice has referred to how he is struggling or may be getting a bit better and commented that he might not manage to organise something but I can do that for him. Twice I’ve pointed out that actually, I’m on double the dose of Sertraline that he is, but then back down. It is ok for him to be struggling emotionally and psychologically, but not me, because I’m expected to just get on with it and look after others – like my mum does.
I have enough to look after – her as she continually battles with my alcoholic, selfish and hopeless brothers, who I still suspect of attention seeking as they have all their lives – as my dad did. So I feel I have to be there for her, even though she is many miles away. I have my husband, who looks after me so I feel guilty and feel I have to do as much as I can for him. This is not difficult as we are a team and I want to look after him, but I fear that he may one day have had enough. I have our disabled adult son to try to manage and keep calm. I have had to remove myself from people who have made me feel worse (in the main) because I simply haven’t the energy to manage their difficulties as well as my own. Difficult when my profession is all about helping and supporting other people, so that adds to the guilt trip.
I don’t know where I am going with this. Everything still feels hard but I don’t feel I can tell anyone and bring their mood down too. I feel I am not entitled to be like this. I feel the anxiety still sometimes becoming overwhelming and feel my feet flapping urgently under the water while I battle to stay calm for everyone else on the surface. I need some time alone to revive my energy levels, but struggle to find it – or have space where it is quiet and no one is talking or doing things. It may only get worse when the family living together gets bigger. But just now, just here, I can say how I feel. Would I still feel this way if the disastrous situations with my body had not happened? Who knows. It may be this in reality that has been part of the journey to this point, hard as it has been and still is, so I am trying to look at the bigger picture. But for now I just need peace, calm and to rest.